"Love me without fear. Trust me without wondering. Love me without restrictions. Want me without demand. Accept me how I am. A love like that, will be eternal." Source Unknown
So, I am going to try REALLY hard to post every day but, today I really just did not have any time to post and really there is nothing that is coming to my mind to write about. So here it is a post in bullet points. I know, LAME! I will do better tomorrow, I promise...
I woke up at 4am today for no particular reason and could not go back to sleep.
Sent a text message to my insomniac S-I-L and even she was not awake.
Received a message from her at 7:30am. "What the heck we're you doing up at 5:37am?!?
Took lots of photos of insane children today. I think they all had their silly juice this morning.
Husband asked me if I had been abducted by Aliens last night when I showed up in the shower at 4:35am.
Confession: My house is STILL not clean.
Second Confession: I really have no plans of it being clean by the end of the week.
I have a TON of photos to edit and I am instead blogging about absolutely nothing.
It is five O'clock in the morning, my head is pounding, there are so many things going on in my mind this morning. I need to send out resumes... I need to clean the house... I need to find a place for everything in this huge old house with no obvious storage...
In the back of my thoughts it is still there... It is always there... Like the migraine from hell, there in the back of my brain softly pounding, yet the aftershock is so deafening.
January 5, 2011
It was Wednesday morning and our deadline to get the paperwork finished for the house was Thursday morning. Nothing was finished. I had been racing around all morning from place to place, from Ben's work to the lenders office. My cell phone had become a permanent fixture, attached to my ear.
I was talking to Jason on one line, John was holding on the other and I was late to meet Paul so he was meeting me in between him and me in the Burger King parking lot. I clicked over to John from Jason and the line was beeping again. I answered the line and immediately asked K.O. if I could call her RIGHT back, I swear... RIGHT BACK!! She softly and politely replied, "Okay, sweetie, but really RIGHT back... promise?"
I clicked back over with a little concern in the back of my mind. I hoped everything was okay but I really had to talk with John for a minute before I got to Paul with all of these papers to sign.
I hung up with John and immediately dialed Kari's number. She answered after one ring. (She NEVER answers after one ring) I asked if everything was okay and she did not answer my question; she just began talking and I began rambling in my own head... Alison and I were just talking on the phone... okay? Whats wrong, K?... Umm, Lori?.?... Hey, Kari, are you okay?... I'm fine, Lori... whats wrong, baby?... You know, Chris Boyer... (was that just a question, Do I know Chris Boyer? okay here it comes. He is getting married he is marring Bonnie and they are going to live in a little house with a little white picket fence and raise four little children and live happily ever after... Chis Boyer, the first boy I think I really loved, for real. The boy who shattered my heart. The boy who told me he loved me so very much but he just could not be the person he wanted to be when he was with me, the man that I deserved. The man that wanted two curly haired little girls with big blue eyes, the cute little house with the white picked fence and the art studio in the detached garage in the back of the house where he could watch me paint, or "play with my photographs" from his library window with all of his English and History books. The boy who said I should keep the ring and take the heart locket that he searched for, for months to match the one I had lost that my Grandpa Jack gave me on that last Christmas. The boy I gave my heart to.) YEAH, Kare, I know Chris Boyer. What is going on? Spit it out, hun...
The world froze for a moment when she spoke again.... "Lori, he... he... he... he died, Lori... He killed himself... He hung himself, Lori." I was speechless, thoughtless. We talked for another minute or two and then we both had to go.
I had just kept driving and listening without any emotion at all and then suddenly, after we hung up, it hit me like a tsunami. I stopped my truck in the middle of 140, put it in park and sobbed uncontrollably for what seemed like ten minutes. A man rolled up next to me and after motioning to roll down my window asked if I was okay, if I needed a jump. I replied that I was fine, it had just stalled. What I did not say was that it was my heart that had stalled, not my car.
After meeting Paul, in my Jackie O sunglasses on a sunless day, Kari called back. She had left work. Alison had left her job as well. They were both on their way home to pack. I would pick Kari up from the train station at 11:30pm on Thursday night and we would get Alison from the airport the following afternoon. There would be no funeral and no showing but we would throw a party because that is what Chris would have wanted. There would be A LOT of booze... Booze and food.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
As I drove to pick up Kari the thoughts filled my mind again and I realized that something had happened in the last thirty something hours. Our childhood had officially come to a close. We were no longer teenagers or "young adults". We were just plain adults. Adults who got married. Who had kids. Who had grown-up jobs. Who's friends lost hope and took their own lives...The flashbacks started...
January, 2000
We were standing in the rain. I was screaming at the top of my lungs. The most primal scream I had ever used. The tears on my face mimicked the downpour from the sky. Evie stood in front of the open car door. Jarret was at the wheel and his girl was in the front seat. Chris stood, not a foot away from me, as he stared at me with motionless eyes. "You broke me, Chris, YOU BROKE ME!!!" he just stood there. "ONE DAY YOU WILL REGRET THIS, YOU WILL WANT ME BACK AND I WON'T BE THERE!!! I won't wait, Chris... It will be too late." In his annoyingly, always calm voice he answered and I saw tears in his beautiful eyes, "Your right, Lori Beth, I know that you are exactly correct." He walked away and got into the car as I fell to my knees in the pit (parking lot). Alison walked over, bent down and picked me up. "You're going to ruin that dress you are sewing, Lori, come back into the green room."
May, 1999
It was raining so hard as we drove down Homer Adams Parkway. We pulled into the Famous-Barr parking-lot because Chris could not see to drive. It was not "the thing" to have cell phones yet so neither of us had one to call Alison, Kari, Erin, and Heather to tell them that I would be even later to the slumber party. Sitting in a car, with the radio blaring Sarah McLachlan, in the pouring rain at almost midnight with nothing to do... What would any teenage couple do?? He pulled me across both seats and out of the drivers side door as I screamed that the rain would ruin my hair. He assured me that my crazy curls were beautiful and that he nor my girlfriends cared if they were a wet mess. We both laughed so hard as he spun me around the parking lot. We were soaking wet but we didn't care we just kept dancing and singing to "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" eventually falling to the ground laughing until our bellys hurt.
As I waited for Kari's train (I was really early; as if I were excited in some way. Maybe just ready to get one of the hardest weekends of our lives started and over-with quickly.) I did something I maybe should not have. I logged onto Facebook from my Blackberry. I searched his name and his page appeared. There were notes. Notes from many of his friends, many of my friends, many of our friends. It hurt. It hurt so very badly. I instinctively wrote...
I was sobbing when the Amtrak pulled in. I jumped from the truck as Kari reached the window. We hugged so tightly as I sobbed, "I did something bad, I did something I shouldn't have. I looked at his Facebook." She assured me that it was going to okay. We had all looked, and cried, and wrote...
We needed fries, and Cokes and it was nearly midnight. We drove to three McDonald's drive-ups before one was open. We ate fries, drank 40oz cokes and felt a little better. We wondered out loud together were there any signs, could anyone have done anything, was there a note? What did it say? and we both burst into abrupt laughter when we agreed that the note most likely contained a lot of 10 letter words that neither of us had in our dialect or had the brain power to understand.
He was so very intelligent. He was definitely the smartest of our friends and possibly of most groups. he would have reasoned his way out of something like this. He wouldn't have done this. He couldn't have done this... but he did. He took his own life and we didn't know why.
The rest of the weekend went by quickly and slowly at the same time. Alison wanted El Mez Cal when we picked her up from the airport. It was comforting, familiar, part of our past lives. A reminder of our past selves. The ones who drove to Brighton and Piasa at two in the morning to have truck pulls and corn field parties. Who ended up in Pocahontas trying to get to Edwardsville. Who didn't get mad when Brad Lucas crashed their all girl slumber parties, EVERY SINGLE TIME.
Who laughed and admired his persistence when Chris Boyer asked one or another of us to go on just one date him... until one night, in that theatre that belonged to all of hearts, one of us broke down and said, "Sure, Chris, I will go to Prom with you, but not because I like you, I really just want to be one of the only Sophomores at Junior Prom." With that devilish smile he told me how he would show me. How I would change my mind about him. How I would fall quickly and madly in love with him. I laughed...
Prom 1999
Prom May 1999
We got to Alex's house later that night and it was all so surreal. Very "The Big Chill" Alison and I sat on the kitchen counter with Kari in a chair below us as Alex and others laughed and listened as Ben (friend Ben, not husband Ben) told all of us his relationship woes. Many were there and many memories were shared with less sadness than we would have expected. We tried to reach old friends on the telephone to tell them the news and of the gathering that would take place the next night. Some were reached and some were not.
The next day was much of the same. Kari, Alison, Jenny and I shopped and then cooked together in Kari's parents kitchen. We made meat and cheese trays, brownies, and puppy chow that melted through a trash bag. We laughed and joked and talked about old times.
When we got to the Heintz house Erin and I joked about how weird and refreshing it was to see that all of us had grown up and learned to bring something to the party to eat instead of just knowing that there would magically be a party waiting for us. We sat around the porch table and everyone told of what they had been doing for the past 10 or something years. Lord, had it really been that long...
A pantsless toast! Andy, Ben, Adam, Mikey, Kevin, Alex, Ethan, James, and Brad
A smaller toast from Chris's two best friends Mikey in light blue stripes and Alex in purple
We will Miss You, Boyer! Stephen, Ethan, Alicia, Alex, and Amanda
A smiling, puffy red face photo of K.O. and me
I finally made my way downstairs into the crowd that had formed while we reminisced. As Mikey walked up to me with arms outstretched I had to hold my breath so I did not break into sobs. This was the hard part. This was the gut-wrenching part. The flashbacks started again.
Sometime before the summer of 1999
"Buongiorno Principessa!" they both cried as I walked by in the hallway. I smiled as I punched Mikey in the shoulder and kissed Chris telling them they were both total ass holes with no sole. They just smiled and Mikey and I continued onto History class as Chris went on to his class.
Somehow we all made it through the night but there were many, many tears. The boys choked them back and even made emergency runs to the bathroom returning with red faces and allergy excuses but we all knew that we were in the same shape, the same place, and it hurt.
On Monday we all returned to our respective, cities, states, jobs, lives and began what will be a long process, forgiving but never forgetting...
The flashbacks have never stopped for me. I still see him in the car, in the grocery store, while I am alone painting a room. I can feel him when I drive past Hand Dive. When I see a white car that looks similar to his. When the flowers began to bloom last week it was bittersweet. I had flashbacks of the beautiful roses he brought me on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.
One night I dreamt of the night in my little silver mustang. We had been at a club dancing all night when his cell phone rang. It was Evie, grrrr.... Chris and I were friends now (or something like it) but it didn't mean that I had to like her...
He was strangely cold only answering, yes, no, yes, okay, alright, yes, okay, I understand... When he finished there were tears streaming down his face. He explained to me that his girlfriend of what had now been years just told him that she had gotten or was getting (he wasn't really clear on this) married this weekend. She had played him. She had never broken up with her high school boyfriend, from her hometown. He had broken my heart. He had fallen in love with a girl from his friends college, changed his college plans to go to school with her and it had all been a lie. I had to contain my laughter as I held him in my arms while he sobbed. I really did feel sorry for him, I didn't want him to hurt like that but at the same time it was such sweet karma. "It's too late, huh?" he joked and I smiled. It was indeed too late. I was not taken by anyone else but I certainly wasn't going to go through all that again.
Several months later in a dorm room
Chris had been at one of his role playing nights and I was not about to sit through one of those! I had stayed back in his apartment with his roommate and watched Jay and Silent Bob movies all night, until five in the morning, when Chris returned. We had just walked into his room when he suddenly grabbed me, pulled me close, and kissed me. It was still there. I went weak in the knees and my head screamed this is sooo not happening but my freaking heart did not agree. I so wanted to just let whatever was going to happen, happen but I couldn't. I pushed him back as he looked down at me. "It really is too late, isn't it? You warned me it would be?" I did... I did warn him. I smiled and he laughed and we went on with the strangely close friendship we had somehow come to have with one another.
As the years went on we still had our friendship but somewhere life got in the way. We still saw each other at all of the friend get togethers and he would randomly call and invite me places. Ben and I even spent New Years Eve with Chris and his former girlfriend at their house the night before we left for our honeymoon. Though somehow we had began to loose touch over the years.
May 2001
Chris and I at my High School Graduation Party May 2001 (He was the last one to leave that night)
Me and Ben at Chris and Andrea's New Year 2009
Me and Andrea New Years 2009
I will never forget our last random phone conversation or the last time I saw him. I think I will always be half waiting for him to randomly call me to invite Ben and I to a Bar-B-Q and I am not sure it will ever really stop hurting but we all can hope right...
Chris turned 29 years old on January, 25 2011. He was not with us to celebrate his birthday but we had a wine toast around the United States to celebrate his life.
Okay so I have not been a very good blogger gal...
I have many reasons. Many good reasons. The BIGGEST being that I HAVE NOT HAD INTERNET. AHHHHH!! That's right. No internet. For two months. Holy Cow! Has it been two months??
AnyHoo, no internet + one really awful post that I have been dreading to share but need to get it out sometime and it makes more since to do it in chronological posting order. I know what your thinking... It has nothing to do with the house.
WE GOT THE HOUSE!!!! WHOOT! It was a LONG, HELLISH, road but we got the house. It was officially ours on February 7, 2011. Let me get an AMEN! We have yet to move in because we had TONS of things to fix in order to get an occupancy permit however, the big day is very near.
As I type, I sit in my brand spankin new office at my lovely little computer desk with my fabulous internet access. This however, is the only piece of furniture in our home... We get new hardwood flooring in the entire first level this week and then it is ON! Inspections next week followed by the BIG MOVE! We are HOME OWNERS!!! HooRay!!
SO, more to come... MUCH more to come... But, first a really terribly gut wrenching post. I will post it soon. Then we can get on with happier days.
Sometimes I want to wring his neck. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell him he is a total butt head!!
Most of the time, though. He is pretty fantastic. Right now... is one of those times that he is being pretty darn fantastic.
He is working twelve hour days, every day, just to pay for the house that we fell in love with. He is making lists and checking off strenuous tasks. He is yelling at people who are trying to take our dreams away. He is arguing like the lawyer he is at heart.
He is making deck plans, that involve a wooden swing and a hammock, and a seating area. He is telling me his BIG plans for the amazing attic. He is telling me all of the new rules there will be for using laptops in the office instead of the living room. He is building our dreams and they are turning out better then we ever could have imagined.
He is doing all of this and somehow still finds time to feed the puppies every morning. Still kisses me every morning before he leaves for work at five a.m. Still surprises me by showing up to my work and waiting around for an hour, because I am working late, to take me to dinner. (It may have been Stake N' Sake, but it was the best darn burger and fries in the world after a long night at work!)
My husband...
Sometimes I want to wring his neck. Sometimes I want to scream at the top of my lungs and tell him he is a total butt head!!
Most of the time, though, I love him with every fiber of my being. I remember my MaMa telling me all the time, when I was little, "You find a good one. Find one like your Daddy." Well, MaMa, I found a Markie Logan. He may act like a total hard ass. He may make me REALLY mad sometimes but, he's a keeper.
He does laundry
He swings like Tarzan to make me laugh.
He climbs on things that have signs clearly stating, "DO NOT CLIMB ON" just so I can get the perfect shot.
He tickles nephews.
Gives fives to nieces for braving the BIG slide.
Holds little hands of nieces he adores like his own daughters.
He laughs at fart jokes and RickRolls jukeboxes.
Shares snow cones and poses for goofy photographs when prompted by his crazy wife and sister-in-law
And, most importantly...
He still kisses me like this.
And looks at me like this.
He is hard working, even tempered, laid back (most of the time), funny, sweet, strong willed, intelligent.... Blah... blah... blah.... I know, "Stop bragging on your husband, Bia!"
Okay, so he is not perfect in every way but, my Ben, he is pretty great.
He looks HOT in Levis, too!!
Had to throw that one in for the extra puke factor...
"... if all else fails, put your hands in prayer and you're golden." ~ Kelle Hampton
While laughing and crying my way through the latest KH posts on Enjoying the Small Things I found this quote and it really summed up my day... month.
Ben and I put in a bid on a home more than a month ago and it was accepted. I have not spoken of this much because... well... frankly, I am terrified of jinxing the darn thing. This home buying experience has been just that, AN EXPERIENCE!! It is like Murphy's Law to the full extent. Everything has just been so damn hard!
Every day there is a new kink to work through. We have been told that we have the loan... No wait you don't have the loan... Oh yeah, you DO have the loan... wait jump through these last few hoops for us.. Okay, just kidding, you have the loan. It's like, Dude, SERIOUSLY! I am going to have a heart attack if you keep this up.
Ben and I have been so afraid to do anything. Should we start packing? Should we tell our condo owner that we are moving out? What date do we give him? Should we put the photo of us at our new house on our Christmas cards? Should we tell all of our friends and family that we've bought a house?
Today we had a meeting with our loan company and our contractor and we still did not get all of the answers that will put our nerves to ease. We did however, pick out carpet, kitchen flooring, and some AMAZING oak flooring for the living room and foyer. OH! and a refrigerator that is the BOMB diggity!
Will it all be okay? Most likely, yes. Will the rug be swept out from under us at the last moment? Hopefully not. However, if all else fails, put your hands in prayer and you're golden...
Sometimes it's all you can do, right?
Shucking my fear of jinxing it all, here is a photograph of our soon to be new home.
Laryngitis... Laryngitis...Laryngitis!!!! It SUCKS! end of sentence... period!!
So, I am what you like to call a talker. A person who talks ALOT and when I can not talk. I go NUTS! I have not been able to talk for two days now and it is no fun at all. Okay... Done with my rant. I love life. Life is good. flowers... pixies... unicorns... soft white, fluffy clouds... puppy dogs... butterflys... AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't speak!!!! Okay, I think it's out now.
Do you have any idea how much it sucks to answer your phone and then realize that, nope, still can't talk??? You squeeze out, "Can't talk..." the person on the other end says, "Oh, you're in the library? Just call me when you leave." "Nope, really, can't talk. literally." "Then, why did you answer the phone, goof ball??"...
Do you have any idea how much it sucks to get up to the drive through window at the local Bread Co. peruse the menu to find that YES, they are serving chicken and wild rice today only to realize when you get up to the speaker that you can not order any because you CAN NOT SPEAK?? So, you bust a U-ey and park, go into the store and proceed to "try" to order some freagin soup. The ridiculously hot man behind the counter smiles and nods as you mouth chicken and wild rice at him. "Um.. Sorry, Mam". You smile and try again. He smiles, nods, holds up one finger and returns with another gentleman who starts signing to you. You laugh and hold up both hands and wave, "no, sorry, not deaf, just can't talk" pen, paper? you pantomime they are now amused by you but oblige. "Sorry, got the laryngitis", you scribble, attempting humor, they both laugh as the other customers stare. "May I please have some chicken and wild rice soup", you write. "Certainly!!" the cute one says.
Silver lining... The cute one made me a hot tea with lemon for FREE! Is that even an option at Bread Co.? He must have really felt sorry for my silly ass!!
When I got home I took the puppies outside to potty. Al took off running, to go play with the dogs next door and I could not do a dang thing about it. I opened my mouth to holler at her to get her little butt back to her own yard and nothing... Crap!! JO just looked up at me like, "Yep, MaMa's lost it". The neighbor man came outside and tried to have one of those holler between yards conversations with me. "How's it going tonight, Lori" Shit, what now?? So, I jog over and he is looking at me like, "You didn't have to come all the way over." "No voice", I pantomime to him. He smiles as he thinks to himself, "what a strange girl". Okay, so I made that part up but he did look at me like I was nuts.
So, here I am, at home, watching reruns of Charmed, with my hot tea and soup, alone, (because the husband went to Tom's house to take the temptation to talk away from me) in silence.
Laryngitis BLOWS! At least I am not really deaf though, that would double SUCK! To those who are deaf, you are ROCK STARS! No talking = Sad Lori...
